Jun 19

In case any of our reverend fathers or deacons needed any homily ideas, the good folks at Ministry Resource have put together sermon notes based on The Man of Steel movie.  See how great Jesus Christ is, He is just like Superman.  I know I’d listen to the Gospel reading much more keenly if I knew Jesus was going to shoot heat beams from his eyes.

How long before a new edition of the Bible comes out and Isaiah 7:14 is re-written to read “Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Kal-El.”

Can’t wait for the apostles as The X-Men series of sermons…

Jun 18

The irony of our times is that with as much of communication now being visual fewer and fewer people are able to actually read real English. Some all too common mistakes (and probably should be tested for prior to tonsuring an individual a reader):

 

  • Immorality read as immortality. One might say they look very similar so its not too big a deal. The problem is its usually in context of 1 Corinthians. So the reader should figure out that sexual immortality is wrong. They don’t. They end up constantly repeating sexual immortality. What is sexual immortality? Sexual immorality, everyone knows, sexual immortality, not so much. Can someone please explain what sexual immortality is, since these deacons insist on repeating that phrase? It maybe some aspect of the faith that my ignorance of it, may negatively impact my salvation, since immortality is our ultimate goal.
  • Sepulchre or Sepulcher is pronounce as sculpture, supple car, sup chair, et c.. This makes a somber cathartic Good Friday into an anger inducing desire to re-enact the crucifixion with the offending deacon.
  • Woe read as woo. The scripture as read by Ric Flair.
  • Any name over two syllables in length. Yes many of them are tough but most can be sounded out. Unfortunately that does not happen. Rather they make up names which oddly sound like those of Star Wars characters.
  • Not understanding that punctuation actually affects how you read the text. Instead biblical passages become one long run on sentence. Bonus points if it is read in a mumbly monotone.
  • Then there are those who seem to have gone to rehab for Hooked on Phonics®. they should not be given any reading material and place in front of a microphone. I’m not talking about individuals born and raised in another country but that special individual who could actually get a refund for his diploma.
Apr 09

Coptic News Brief

A local area priest who many claim has the gift of clairvoyance give Coptic News Network an exclusive in how he obtained these gifts. About a year or two the young people of a certain area church starting tell of their priest who in confession was able to tell their sins in detail before they confessed it. As his renown spread other people came to him for confession and came away equally amazed. When CNN spoke with Abouna T., he claimed he was an average priest no better than any other just a bit more tech savvy than most. When asked what he meant about being more tech savvy than most, he then revealed the secret of his gift. “Its not a spiritual gift, I’m too much of a sinner for that to happen to me” he humbly stated. “When they come in for confession, to them it looks like I’m in quiet meditation but in actually I’m just quickly checking their Facebook and Twitter feed on my phone which is nestled out of sight in my hand. You’d be surprised at what these people publicly post, not to mention most have friended me and don’t realize it.”

Dec 24

Having trouble finding last minute that perfect Christmas gift for that special someone in your life? You shouldn’t Christmas is not for another two weeks on January 7. Though if you insist on celebrating this western bacchanalia* of consurmerism, we at Not So Industries have decide to make you lives easier. With our elite cadre of Egyptian trained graphic designers we are proud to introduce Customized Icons. Have yourself or loved ones photoshopped into your favorite icon or take part in various depicted events in the life of Christ.

Be the envy of your friends when your family Christmas card photo has you and your family worshipping the newborn Christ with the shepherds (or if its just 3 of you, you can become the Magi bearing Him gifts)

For that special couple in your life, you put them in the Icon of the Harrowing of Hades and have our Savior pulling them by the hand…and many more ideas when you consult our creative team standing by.

Not only for Christmas but make great birthday gifts. For your daughters sweet sixteen you can have you daughter and her friends photoshopped in a part of the 40 virgins who accompany St. Demiana. Or imagine the joy on son’s face when he sees himself riding on the back of the horse with St. George.

So order you Customizable Icon now (before the visas expire on our elite cadre of Egyptian graphic designers and they get deported)

(thanks to W.S. for idea)

* Yes it should more accurately be a saturnalia but bacchanalia just rolls off the tongue.

Dec 03

An advice column for all things Coptic Orthodox those lukewarm sinners who will be vomited out of the mouth of Christ come Judgment Day.

All my friends are on various social media networks and want me to join. Should 1?

Hmmm… An interesting question for this modern age. First we look to the church fathers and much was written about the virtue of silence. So basically summarizing their position, no. Just shut up because you have nothing of any benefit to anyone to say. Not only that you but you are dragging yourself into hell and everyone in earshot by your tongue.

Though, technically, with social media you are not speaking so it opens an interesting avenue of speculation and discussion. So after many prayers and metonias, I came up with the answer of, “No!”. Why would one partake of such nonsense?! You say it is so you can post bible verses to uplift and edify your friends. I have a secret for you… The Bible is full of bible verses. Why do I need to read your post with only one verse when I can read thousands of them in the Bible and I can read them with out the internet.

You may say but it will help you keep in touch with your friends. Really, why not see them and call them; because otherwise you cannot convince me these are real people. They are imaginary. They could be the creation of the imagination of some sweaty obese South Korean man living in a basement who consider this going outside interacting with the public between rounds of Starcraft. If you want to have friends you can’t see make friends with the saints. At least they will benefit you in your life. Seriously how many people has your twitter follower @Coptic4Life_777 cured of cancer? I can tell you. Zero! St. Mary on the other hand, tens of thousands if not more. Also she does not annoyingly inviting you to like thing or other on Facebook.

But it helps me tell my non-orthodox friends about the faith. What??!! You have non-orthodox friends, how dare you consort with heretics whom our church fathers fought against to maintain the one true holy apostolic faith. Unless you are a theologian well read in the fathers, these non-believing minions of the devil will lead astray with their questions and confuse you and before you know it you will be sharing and liking their prosyletizing materials leading people to fiery perdition because you think its cute or catchy and it mentions Jesus and God because you in your foolish pride do not realize because something that claims its Christian does not mean it is Orthodox. So you fail. What if say you make sure the stuff you share is Orthodox from Orthodox source like these photoshop decorated pictures. Then I anathemize you.

You may say but Pope and Lord Archbishop of the Great City of Alexandria and Patriarch of All Africa on the Holy Orthodox and Apostolic Throne of Saint Mark the Evangelist and Holy Apostle His Holiness Anba Tawadrous II has a twitter account. Well I’m petitioning to Holy Synod to stop it. What use is a Papal encyclical of a 140 characters or less? Besides what can he do in that few words. Also if I wanted to reply to a tweet or dm him by the time I write the proper greeting “@PopeTawadros I bow down before you and kiss your right hand in greeting. Asking your blessing, your Holiness.” all I have left is 30 character leaving no room to leave a meaningful message. Useless.

Also the time you waste looking connecting to imaginary people who will benefit you nothing, you should spend it in prayer, metonias and meditation; the true social media connecting to your true friend God.

Nov 27

(You knew this was inevitable…)

Livin’ Coptic style
Coptic style

A Copt who fasts two thirds the year
A genius Copt who knows one hundred ways to cook fava beans
A Copt whose drools at macarona bil bechamel
A Copt with that kind of kitchen skill

I’m a Copt
A Copt who looks forward to the fifty days
A Copt who drinks shay bilaban in a clear glass
A Copt whose heart bursts with semna baladi
That kind of Copt

Chaotic, Obstinate
Yes you, hey, yes you, hey
Chaotic, Obstinate
Yes you, hey, yes you, hey
Yet Proud Copt until the end

Livin’ Coptic style, Coptic style
Livin’ Coptic style, Coptic style
Livin’ Coptic style

Ya Tone-deaf Deacon, Livin’ Coptic style
Ya Tone-deaf Deacon oh oh oh oh

A Copt who looks quiet but plays the def like Ibo
A Copt who only kneels when the right time comes
A Copt who can do 400 metonias with ease
A sensible Copt like that

I’m a Copt
A Copt who never loses track during the procession
A Copt who goes completely crazy when the epistle’s read in Coptic
A Copt who knows the hymn but has no voice
That kind of Copt

Chaotic, Obstinate
Yes you, hey, yes you, hey
Chaotic, Obstinate
Yes you, hey, yes you, hey
Yet Proud Copt until the end

Livin’ Coptic style, Coptic style
Livin’ Coptic style, Coptic style
Livin’ Coptic style

Ya Black-clad Teta, Livin’ Coptic style
Ya Black-clad Teta oh oh oh oh

On top of the hegumen is the bishop man, clergy clergy
I’m a Copt who knows a thing or two
On top of the hegumen is the bishop man, clergy clergy
I’m a Copt who knows a thing or two
You know what I’m saying

Livin’ Coptic style

Ya Balding Uncle, Livin’ Coptic style
Ya Balding Uncle oh oh oh oh

Nov 26

Coptic News Network Brief

Adel Ayman Akram Agaiby, a servant in St. Marina & St. Anthony Coptic Orthodox church’s bookstore, was brutally beaten by what can be described by shocked yet bemused eyewitnesses as extremely irate and belligerent old ladies. The assault occurred after a normal Wednesday liturgy, when the terrorizing tetas descended upon the bookstore. Adel states that typically the bookstore is only open on the weekends but since he he had a day off decided to go in to get caught up on some inventory. Since he was there and the women wanted something from the bookstore, he decided to help them. The women came looking for Pope Tawadros II memorabilia to build their personal shrines to him like they did for the thrice blessed late Pope Shenouda. When Adel replied all he had were a few copies of the official photo of His holiness, what was a group of kindly old ladies turned in to cantakerous hellions.

They started to jab and poke him with their fingers and canes accusing him of disloyalty to the church. How could he not stock a wide array memoribilia with His holiness’ face on it. They were wanted such things which they had with Pope Shenouda’s face like key chains, mugs, t-shirts, sun visors, stickers, baseball caps, commemorative plates, medallions, candles, candlesticks, kerchiefs, glass cubes and lampshades among other knick-knacks. Adel at this point – in what could be described as the turning point where things crossed the line into tragedy – stated that such things were in poor taste and really did not honor the man.

At this point the pugnacious grannies started to swing their canes in earnest, while others started to pray to God that He strike Adel dead and punish him eternally for this and not hold his sin of disrespect against the patriarch against the church, while a few others cursed him as only a grandmother can with baldness, infertility, failure at all he touched, dwarfism and other things that no one thought could possibly come out of the mouths of sweet old ladies. Adel suffered several contusions, a concussion, and broken ribs since he could not defend himself since he felt it was dishonorable to raise his hands against elderly women. The beating stopped when the person giving the old ladies a ride home was leaving. Though the worst part Adel stated was seeing his grandmother take part in the assault.

Oct 23

This song actually makes me not want to go to church. Ever!

Oct 22

“You girls who wear crosses, you know who you are, you wear the cross and have it nestle there in your cleavage. That’s not fair making me choose like that. You know I’m going to end up choosing the devil every time.”

-Brian Posehn

Aug 29

“When I was a child I used to pray fervently to God for a bicycle, but realized in God in His infinite wisdom did not work that way. So I stole one and prayed for forgiveness.”

- Emo Philips

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