- “Attending more than one liturgy a week is just overachieving and not necessary.”
- “Whey is okay during the fasts”
- “Don’t like reading the Bible, just watch Superbook”
- “I agree its better watching the liturgy via on-line streaming, I plan to broadcast it from my house to big screens in the church so I don’t have to leave the house also.”
- “Why bother chanting 41 Kyrie Eleysons, God can hear you after one.”
- “Yeah feel free to replace metonias [i.e. prostrations] with the calisthenic exercise of your choice.”
- “I just love being called an ‘M.I.B.'”
- “Okay I’ll cut liturgy short this Sunday for the big football game.”
- “Don’t worry about that sin, its no biggie.”
- “Yo, ain’t Tasoni hot?”
“Now one thing had almost escaped me, the most fit of all to mention, I refer to the moon and her phases, which the sons of the bald share in name and in form. This moon, so dear to me, begins in the form of a crescent, becomes a half moon, then again is gibbous, and ends by being a full moon. And assuredly those who have found their way to the summit of good fortune I call the ‘full moons': it is even lawful to call them ‘suns’. For they no longer return to phases, but continue with a perfect circle shining in the face of those in heaven.” Synesius of Cyrene, Bishop of Ptolemias “In Praise of Baldness” Chp. 11*
* This piece was meant as satire and not a theological piece though there is biblical evidence to the superiority of bald men.
Bloggers – St. Julius of Akfahs
Narcoleptics – Eutyches of the Book of Acts
Bald men – Synesius of Cyrene
Frequent Flyers – St. Tekle Heymanot
Scuba Divers – St. Clement of Rome
Okay this one is rather subtle and requires knowledge of the particular saint’s life to make sense
Thanks once again to d. & m.h. for the idea.
I attend many retreats and for many of them for the divine liturgy is just an altar board on top of a table. I know that with the altar board the table becomes an altar and the area around it the sanctuary. My question is how far out does the radius of the altar board turn the surrounding area into the sanctuary? I ask because I get paranoid walking around it in shoes afraid that I might be stepping in the altar with my shoes on. Is the area sanctified a function of the size of the altar board with bigger boards covering a bigger area or is it a function of the size of the table it is placed on or is even just aq percentage of the square footage of the room we are praying in? I need to know for my own piece of mind.
Then, behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom; and the earth quaked, and the rocks were split, and the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised; and coming out of the graves after His resurrection, they went into the holy city and appeared to many. – Mt. 27:51-53
Commentary: The zombie apocalypse is a real occurrence that may happen again. This is clear biblical proof of it. It is lost to us how the zombie attack was put down but it is speculated that the fall of Jerusalem in 70 AD maybe due in part to the Romans wishing to prevent another potential zombie uprising to be used by the Zealots against them.
“Christians must not judaize by resting on the Sabbath, but must work on that day, rather honouring the Lord’s Day; and, if they can, resting then as Christians. But if any shall be found to be judaizers, let them be anathema from Christ.” – Canon XXIX from the local Council of Laodicea
Not So Spiritual Epitome on the Canon: Apparently the relatively recent practice and understanding of a weekend is another heretical concept of this modern age. So as you sit and relax this Saturday sipping a refreshing beverage, know that you are anathemized as a heretical judaizer. 80’s pop band Loverboy would need to change the lyric and title of their hit song “Everbody’s working for the weekend” to “Everybody’s working on the weekend, so we are not considered heretical judaizers.” So as not to be cast out from the Body of Christ get yourself some gainful employment, better a Walmart greeter than an anathemized judaizer.
This one is for the men, when growing out your beard and when people jokingly ask you “Are you planning on becoming a priest?”. Answer them in all seriousness with a yes and then follow up with the “fact” you’ve been nominated for a new church in whatever random town that is nearby but not too close to where you live. That, also, you were asked to grow the beard to see if you you are able to grow a proper beard appropriate for the dignity of the office of the priesthood.
From the makers of Cafeteria Christianity*** and “Spiritual but not Religious” comes the latest and greatest iteration of Christianity for the modern age… FORTUNE COOKIE CHRISTIANITY!!!
Do you find that the Scripture are tl;dr*, don’t you wish the Divine Liturgy could be distilled down to a Vine video or that patristic writings can be made into an internet meme? Welcome to Fortune Cookie Christianity (Trademark Pending). Who needs context of extremely long texts, isn’t anything that talks about God good enough? We think so. Isn’t a little bit of the infinite just as good as a lot of the infinite, that’s why we bring Christianity down to bite sized bits because who has time to sit and contemplate.
With our service you’ll get random feel good Bible verse posted to the social media service of your choosing, because honestly who really needs to hear about the final judgment and sin and repentance that just brings you down.
Not only that we take foundational texts of the early Christian father and our highly trained theologians** make them fun and visual with our patristics package, available for a small additional fee. For example we have taken the entire corpus of anti arian writings and made them easy and fun to understand.
Fortunate Cookie Christianity also has a vast library of sound bites and video clips of random people speaking about God best thing of which no clip is longer than 4 minutes so you can squeeze them in between kitten videos and the latest viral marketing videos. No discernment needed since we pre-screen all videos according to our stringent criteria such as they need to mention Jesus and God and make you feel good. So watch and share without a care in the world. And for our elite level patrons our staff will create remix Liturgies for your worshipping pleasure with various parts of the liturgies prayed by you favorite clergyman in whatever language and for a limited time we have the patriarch retrospective liturgy with recordings of the last 4 patriarchs cut and pasted together into a single liturgy which they “prayed together”.
So be on the cutting edge of the faith in the modern age with FORTUNE COOKIE CHRISTIANITY!
* Web speak for “too long, did not read”
** Trained by lurking on the finest of theological forums
*** Derogatory term for the concept of picking and choosing what one believes in the faith.
For all the past and future fans of Not So Spiritual Words, the management would like to apologize for the long hiatus (sometimes life gets in the way of living) and let you know Not So Spiritual Words will be making its return starting this Coptic New Year. and we will continue with it for as long as is feasible.
So spread the word. See you in a bit.
In case any of our reverend fathers or deacons needed any homily ideas, the good folks at Ministry Resource have put together sermon notes based on The Man of Steel movie. See how great Jesus Christ is, He is just like Superman. I know I’d listen to the Gospel reading much more keenly if I knew Jesus was going to shoot heat beams from his eyes.
How long before a new edition of the Bible comes out and Isaiah 7:14 is re-written to read “Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Kal-El.”
Can’t wait for the apostles as The X-Men series of sermons…